Wednesday, August 31, 2005

The First of Three Women

I met the first one before I knew how to use a woman. When she and I walked and talked with our youth snug between us like a third wheel, I didn't know what a woman was good for in the traditional cro-magnon sense. We embraced each other in another time and place before I came to understand that flesh can be a trap, a choke collar leashing us to our caveman essence, a lie once told that can not be taken back, but can only be temporarily covered up by a lot of little white lies.

The child thought she was the most beautiful woman in the world. The man can remember the feeling, but can't recapture it. We can look at toys, but we usually can't lose ours to them like when we were smaller.

Maybe, I should give myself some credit. Perhaps I'm not the only one who changed. Perhaps like any flower in the garden, she was bound to wilt. Why should i feel any guilt becuase once she was pert and full of pollen. If now she has venom, why should I accept fault? Why do I feel that I owe her something becuase once upon a time we were both wild and innocent?

Lost youth? Lost love? The turning of the solar system. I can't be blamed. I don't make the leaves turn during autumn.

It wasn't me.
It wasn't.
It wasn't me?

Was it?

Only 4 Stories

"Borges said there are only four stories to tell:

a love story between two people,
a love story between three people,
the struggle for power
and the voyage.

All of us writers rewrite these same stories ad infinitum."

-Paulo Coelho

Monday, August 29, 2005

Milwaukee

Man, if you never been to Milwaukee, then go. Don't think twice about it. Load up the car and get to that town for visit. It has the most beautiful downtown area I've ever seen in a city. Miller Park is a wonderful and relaxing place to watch a ball game. Downtown they have a four story used bookstore called Renaissance Books. It is a little ratty and dirty but there is a treasure trove for the bookphile (is that right? bookphile?)

The only disappointment was the Museum of Art. It just is trying to hard and as a result fails twice as bad.

I now have a regret. Not getting to Milwaukee sooner. If I ever had to come back north, I'd seriously consider landing there.

Friday, August 26, 2005

36

That's how many I got till I'm out.

OK, this week was crazy. Tuesday at work, I started feeling a little nausea like a flu or something. I was in the bathroom 3 times in one hour, just turned into a crap machine. I left work early got on the train to go home. Then it hit me, I got extreme sweats, extreme dizziness, my stomach started cramping like there was no tomorrow. I thought to myself, this is it. Whatever you're body's been planning for the last 6 weeks, now it comes to a head.

I was attempting to transfer at Fullerton when everything fell apart. I stepped off one train onto the other and almost fainted. I stepped off the train back onto the platform and told the CTA lady I thought I needed an ambulence. She asked me, what I had said, and the next thing I was throwing up and praying to God over the trash can. This took I estimate about 2 or 3 minutes. I had nothing on my stomach except water and bile.

The striking thing I remember is being in this very public place having this crisis. People around me didn't know what to do. Dodgily avoiding eye contact, trying to no get involved with the man puking his insides out. I was alone in the crowd. I wanted to apologize to everyone around me. I wanted to assure them that even if I appear to be dying right now, I'm not so terrible monster you need to avoid. But, I didn't stay focused on them that much. I was still incredibly sick.

They got me to the hospital. They ran all kinds of tests. Becuase I had been experiencing stomach pain they did a CT to look for possible appendicitis. They did full blood and urine anaylsis. They found nothing. They found me to be soundly safely healthy. 'Maybe you had some food poisoning or a stomach flu. But, we're sending you home.'

Thursday, August 25, 2005

My Pal LC

Another one of the reasons leaving Chicago has a downsize. My buddy chuck and I are going to Miller Park and the Milwaukee Art Museum on Saturday. Going to be a great adventure.

I'm going to miss hanging with Charles when I go to Atlanta. Hopefully he'll be down south too soon.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Muse Thought

When the muse is in the room, dance with her. Don't waste time doubting whether or not you know the steps. Becuase you never know when she'll back again to dance.

Guts

My Stomach gave me a lot of trouble this weekend. Sharp pokes a couple of time. I went to the doctor 2 weeks ago and he did a bunch of tests all of which came up negative. He just told me to lose some weight and watch my blood pressure. I'm seeing my gastroenterology next week. I have more trust in his throughness and judgement.

I guess my great fear at the moment is that I'm developing appendicitis. I'm afraid that I'm going to wake up sometime between now and my other doctor appointment squeezing my stomach in pain and be laid up in a hospital for weeks like Dad was laid out at home. Or maybe a hernia.

The second fear is that this is something that will delay or destroy my trip to Atlanta. Like some sort of self fulfilling prophecy. I started today asking myself seriously how I would manage if I had to stay in Chicago. I don't like that kind of thinking. I want to get past this town so bad. I dont think I can get past my hatred for the ugliness of this city.

Maybe it is nothing. I hope the first Dr was right. But, right now my body is telling me that he is wrong.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Squid and the Whale

I just saw a trailer for Squid and the Whale, which could easily have been mistaken as the trailer for Thumbsucker, which couldeasily have been mistaken for the trailer of Imaginary Heroes...blah...blah...blah.

I'm bored with these hollywoodish independent features about Suburban Malaise. About how ironic and absurd it is to be rich, white, and dysfunctional.

Am I the only one?

At least Donnie Darko was original adding the creepy sci-fi elements and the hidden neo-con evil angles.

At least Garden State was different in that it showed a protoganist yearning for that suburban malaise without even knowing it.

That's not to say that these films are poorly made or unwatchable. All I'm saying is, enough already! I get it!

I love Bill Murray, but after Lost in Translation, Life Aquatic, and Broken Flowers...Bill time for a regular comedy man...you've done the contempalitive autumn of my years thing to the hilt for the past 3 three years. Each film in itself is a great film, but one after another...ughhh...It's Ingmar Bergman without existentalism. Seeing these films has become yet another symptom of suburban malaise. It is like you're in an escher ink drawing.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Things I'll miss

  1. White Sox
  2. Powells Downtown
  3. Barreycorn Football Sunday - having the place all to myself
  4. My pals at the ESPNZone
  5. Harold Washington Library
  6. Old Town School of Folk Music
  7. The Music Box - First Movie Theatre I went to in Chicago. We saw 'City of Lost Children' also the first place I saw 'Kiss Me Deadly' (personal important moment)
  8. Loft Theatre at the Bailiwick
  9. BBQs at Don and Jen's
  10. Ron, Derek, and everyone I ever did a Mammals' show with
  11. All the Mom and Pop diners...down south it's all Perkins and Dennys and Waffle House
  12. The sound of the train (in the early evenings)
  13. The Perfect Cup
  14. Sweet Occasions
  15. Pancakes at the Square Kitchen

Happy Stuff

Yesterday, I blew off work and stayed in bed late. That was nice. I had lunch at my favorite spot, the ESPNZone and they bought my lunch! Nice! Got 2 new white sox t-shirts and the Sin City DVD. I also listened to some free music at a church. It was Brahms. I like Brahms. The violinist reminded me of how hot classical musicians can be. The way she moved while playing, stirred something in me, not necessarily sexual, but primal. I wanted to commune and consume that energy she was letting off. Adn when those long locks of hair flow about something ecstatic happens.

I've been enjoying alot of free classical music in the city lately. It's nice. I hope Atlanta has that too. Seen some great movies lately too. Four Brother, Broken Flowers. Baseball...going to see Sox and Yankees. Good stuff!

44

That's right. Went to the doctor yesterday. Everything has been tested. Everything seems to be in order. It's time for me to accept the pain and accept the fact that I'm going to live (not to be so dramatic about it.) I'll talk to my other doc at the end of the month, but I've got to stop fearing this discomfort I have and just move on. I'm alive. I'm young. I got to get in shape.

Monday, August 15, 2005

MRI vs Boat payment

I'm not sure if you need an mri, buuuuuut...

I am sure that I need help with the next payment on my boat!

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Fear

I'm in the car handcuffed to the steering wheel. Not only is the engine running, but it's Capital D on the automatic. My foot's not on the gas, so the car is tiptoeing down the road. But, I cant stop the car cause I get my hand to gear box and the brakes appear to out of order. Damn! I'm in a not to dangerous, but certain not completely safe situation here. I peer around to the back seat. It's littered with clothes and unwrapped cigars. Wait a minute, those clothes...

I'm in an undershirt and boxers. Those pants crumpled up back there are my pants. That long sleeve shirt tied to radio antenna, that's my shirt. My shoes are somehow knotted to passenger side mirror.

Is this a prank? Am I being hazed? I'm confused. I don't know whether to be frightened or piss off. I look in the rear view mirror to see what I can learn. Somebody has taped some sort of tubing to my face, it starts behind the ears and comes down the cheeks ending just above my upper lip. I try to rip the tubeing loose against my shoulders. No luck.

Put my foot on the brake just to prove to myself that I've got some control. I look around and see hot sand stretching long and far on either side of the road and some ugly looking rock formations on the horizon. Tumbleweeds? Yes. Cacti? No. Animals? Not yet.

What else? Some good news. I got a full tank of gas.

49 Days

That's what's left.

McShakespeare

A friend sent me this short story. I got a chuckle out of it.

The Holster
When I was paying the dinner check, I leaned forward just a little more than necessary to slightly reveal the holster near my armpit. Her cheeks flushed and her hand slowly slid down my leg. Then she did that thing where she puts both her feet behind her head and she said, "Open for business." I knew the gun was a good idea, I just knew it.

Friday, August 05, 2005

Ouch

Communication Evaporation
Bunny Dung
Rodeo Chub

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

New Authors (New to Me That is)

Scott Wolven, Denis Johnson, Thom Jones... I am digging these short story writers. Especially Wolven right now. Man, I love the way he writes, his word combinations, his scenarios. He makes me long for and fear the lonely cold of winter at the same time. A testostarone addiction that heals one cheek and scars the other.

Thom Jones' "Roadrunner" short story made me laugh out loud and proved an example how the wonders of verbosity are not the sole real estate of the well read. The mouth on his narrator is common, but so endearing and awesome. I wish I talked like that every day.

Denis Johnson, Well I've read some of the plays which confound, confuse, and yet still intrigue me. I bought a novel, but havn't yet dived in. I started the short story collection "Jesus' Son" though. Man, that was good stuff.

I'm getting back to the point when I'm tunring the TV off and instead heading to the coffeehouse, finding a comfortable chair and reading. Lord, it feels so good to do. Thank you.

Bored, forget about the internet

Today, i am officially bored with the internet. I've gone to about all the sites that have interest for me. I can still listen to internet radio (when I'm home and dont have to worry about an IT guy monitoring how much bandwidth I'm using). I do get joy from boards and talking/typing with friends.

But, all the bells and whistles. The flashy graphics and what not? I'm just bored with it today. Of course take it all away and I'll probably miss it terribly.

I think today will be my last physical therapy session. I've gotten all I'm going to get from it. My therapist is a good guy and he listens, but I think that he's done all he can do for me. I'm looking at my appt with the Dr. next week more as an exit interview then anything else. He'll suggest that we go to chiropractic, but with 6 weeks left in c-town is it worth it?

Monday, August 01, 2005

Seesaw...Maybe

So, I'm a seesaw.

I'm leaving. No doubt about that. I am now just doubting the wisdom of my 30 day planned trip. I'm asking myself if 30 days is too intense. I'm asking myself if I want to blow 3 thousand dollars on the trip just before relocating without a set job or health plan.

I'm asking myself if I need 2 adventures at once. The 30 day adventure and then the brand new region of the country adventure.

I'm debating just a 2 week trip to the west coast, rather than the 30 day trip around the whole country.

I could do that for 1000 dollars rather than 3000. I would still have 7000 for my seed money. i dont know This plan i starting to sound like the plan to me.