Thursday, November 16, 2006

11053

Now there was fear and trembling in the hospital. The judge was heard to be screaming from his room. He locked the door and started screaming and yelling. I thought he had lost his mind but he was just taking a temporary trip, a bad trip yes.

I could still taste his blood in my mouth and my pussy strung bad from where he had been grabbing. I had a station a nurses station that was supposed to be off limits, hospital personel only, I hadn’t been in that room for as long as I can remember. There were no other personel so it should pretty much be as I left it years agao I suppose. I thought I still had the key on the ring. I did. One of those old fashion keys, a cartoon key, a western key I guess. The door itself didn’t have a lock but there was cage grate in front of the door that the key opened. When I got inside the room there was the first aid box I had remembered. The room itself was decoarated with get well cards and well wished and drawing sent in by grandchildren who must have grown into grandparents themselves by now. Another nurse had put them up there. Everytime one of the olders died that was he lttle sort of tribute to them.

I examined myself in the mirror. It appeared that I was going to be ok. I had some red marks on my throat from where the judge had clenched at me and my privates were alright I just needed a bath to get the funk of that old mouse fingers off me.

I don’t know why maybe it was just to have an excuse not to leave, but after I had wiped away the sweat and tears I started taking a look around this room, maybe I was trying to figure out if it might be a good place to hold up if the judge or any other of these olders tried to pull any funny stuff like just now. The cage maybe could give this room some security until whatever crazy old mouse went out of his mind would just settle down and put his fingers back in his pockets. I started thinking about fingers. I hadn’t really looked at mine. There was blood and rust in the crevess and wrinkles in the lines of my prints. I needed to get that stuff out of those creveass. I started looking for more alcohol. I found a child’s lunch box. Inside it were lipstick and eyeliner. I had only seen these before when I was very very little. There were other nurses of course who might have had some makeup on, but to be this close to it, to touch it, these little pieces of magic, these items that would trnaform a woman into an object of desire, these traps, these little traps. Maybe this was a mousetrap , a lunch pail full of mouse traps for these old mice. But they coudltrp more than mice. I could hold Fonda closer to me, tighter to me, if I hide just right behind this paint, he might just surrender to me completely . he might wake out of that hole never to return just stay by my side in my bed holding me tightly. Maybe if I were suddenly so pretty he could resist showing me his face taking off his bandage and letting me see that mouth that so attracts me. If I give him just enough mystery maybe he’ll abandon his own. My fingers were so clumsy with it. At first I pushed too hard onto my face. I thought I could hear laughter a woman’s laughter but it had to have just been a faded memeory or mother of course she would have laughed if see could see me now. She didn’t believe in any of those vanity trappings. But, was she as ever as alone as hollow as sratched up as I was right now. I needed to feel appealing now. Especially now. Whatever charm I had physically, did the judge peal that away. Would fonda have the desire to touch me I was afraid I needed something without bath water I needed somoething more if fonda was going to touch me to love me. I needed love so badly know. Desperately I need love. I took my fingers and tried to reshape the lipstick it was too hard though. So I started taking a finger to the tip and dabbing on my lips. The eyeliner was too much I couldn’t bring myself to actually get that close to my eyes with the sharp point. I looked like a clown all those tears and that red mouth. Then I put a little bit just on the tip of my nose.

Sound cue the screaming of judge banging on the walls, there aint no word for freedom in their god damn fucking forsaken language and I want to hear you say it.

I wiped my nose with the tip of my sleeve. I need to get out of here. I wasn’t safe. For the first time ever I really felt like I wasn’t safe. So I close the door locked the cage and ran for the entrence of the hospital. I was gasping and out of breath by the time I got there and he was standing in front of the door way like he had the two night previously I was so glad I didn’t want to be alone I didn’t want to have to worry about facinf any of the olders or the judge alone. Once we got far enough away we wouldn’t have to worry anymore casue mice don’t go so far. A mouce can chew away at you while you stand or sleep but if you put enough distance between you and the mouse there aint nothing he can do.

When did my life become a series of confrontations?

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