Do you ever get that feeling that life is passing by too quickly? I have been mired in it lately. Sort of temporarily stuck, sort of knee deep in the mud of investment towards something happening in the tomorrow-morrow land. You know that this statis is a price you said you would pay, but that doesn't mean you aren't punching various body parts against the wall in boredom while you wait to get there.
I have an incredible Fall season ahead of me. This could be one of the best autumns of my life. But, laying down the foundations for it is tough (or perhaps seeming tougher than usual).
I have to hold off from getting back to rehearsal/workshop so that I have the cash to both partake of my massive roadtrip in October and after that head into my photoshoots for The Meatlocker Graphic Novel. Both are going to be excellent pursuits, but both have built into them a certain amount of isolation...and I wonder if it this isolation that makes me feel sometimes life is passing me by. The isolation of a road trip is almost a religious sort of experience for me. Being able to drive through the Redwood Forest in a convertible alone is going to be worth the pricetag of this trip. Having 7 days to cruise 700 miles of California, Oregon, and Washington Coastline is going to be wonderful. Then capping the whole thing off with 3 days in Seattle...again...I am a lucky lucky guy!
But, you are your own company on a trip like this. And that is a good thing. I've been trying to figure out how to elucidate the benefit of that sort of isolation, but I am sidetracked into the to the random thoughts that escape into this keyboard right now. Don suggested that I get some audiobooks for the trip. But, I got to tell you that is cheating. I will have a couple mixtape/CDs filled with some Neko Case, Handsome Family, Ray Charles, Johnny Cash, PJ Harvey, and hmmm perhaps Beethoven. My life doesn't need an audiobook so much as a soundtrack. The music focuses the event of big drive and also endows the minor moments with in, the dozen or so tiny drives. I have done this trip before 3 years ago just before I fled Chicago for Atlanta.
People all around me are living, sweating, forging ahead, getting married, getting divorced, having babies...Me, I write, I dream, and I try not to blow all my cash on eating out. I care about and talk to my family often, but they are a thousand miles away. I have a huge amount of affection for most the people I work with at my day job, but once I get on the bus for my apartment they are gone, gone living their lives..engagements, home owner ship, shopping for college with their kids. Why is it that I sometimes feel like my life is somehow less? Somehow less valid, less "real"?
Being back in Chicago, which should seem like a given now (in December I'll have been back for 2 years)...anyway being back is a wonderful thing, but I can't escape the feeling that I'm not yet doing enough, not yet taking full advantage out of every day.