I don't remember much, but I do remember that almost all of it up here (points to his head) was erased by design. My design. My decision.
Despite my attempt to forget everything, and I mean everything, there are some things I do still recall. I remember when I was a kid, I saw this movie. Even talking about this seems dangerous, you know. If I allow myself to recall one thing who knows else could come rushing back...but... alas... (points to his head)...
When I was a kid, I saw this movie, a gangster picture, and the leading man was telling us, the audience, his story in voice over. All the while he's telling us what happened, we are watching him act it out as it happens. The crap he was going through, it was pretty scary stuff. But, I had a sense of relief, my anxiety abated listening to him tell it. I figured if he was telling us the story, he must have made his way through it. But my relief wasn't real, wasn't rewarded. Just before the picture finished somebody stuck a knife in the leading man's throat. He struggled. He bled. And as we watched, he died. And, before the film was over. Just as the image of his corpse was fading to black, again I heard his voice. He got to say one last thing before it was really all finished.
(Note: The remainder of the opening monologue could stay here or could be placed elsewhere in the script)
How could he do that? It was very weird. It didn't seem reasonable that I could see him enacting the story while at the same telling me the story as if it had already happened, all the while being dead as a result of what I was witnessed occur.
I watched that movie many times...many many times, and maybe that is why it wont go away. Maybe that is why I can't get rid of it. Like the alphabet, if you are repeatedly exposed to it at a young enough age then nothing short of death can erase it. But, each time I watched the picture, even though I knew how it ended, I had this feeling that the leading man might somehow change something and make it out ok... saving himself. He had to have known what I knew, right? It is confusing, I know, but just... even though I knew he was already dead, hearing his voice convinced me that he still had the ability to save himself.